Ladies and Gentleman, I have read with increasing alarm of the demise of Melissa Doyle at Channel 7’s morning breakfast show, Sunrise. And of concerns how the “Sunrise family” will take to such Game of Thrones type savagery.
It is my belief the savagery should increase - and that those involved should resolve the controversy one morning as soon as possible with an all-in knife fight.
This should take place in a pit where both on-air staff and back-room executives spill blood beneath a large photo of Marlon Brando as The Godfather, with a Channel 7 badge pinned to his lapel in the subtle name of corporate branding.
With everyone either dead or dying after the knife fight in said pit, I’d like to then see Kochie seated on a platform above the action. He would need to be wearing a gold turban with his yearly wage of some $700,000 or more inscribed upon it. The wage might be best presented in a digital format with equivalents in Yen, Deutschemark, the English Pound and the Estonian Kroon.
There on the platform, lounging among brocaded pillows, with his wage flashing in a variety of currencies across his scone, Kochie could then be left to pontificate in an increasingly hallucinogenic and endlessly philosophical way on various incoming news events as he smokes a hookah.
Images of Melissa Doyle and Samantha Armytage could flash by in a reasonless manner, ghosts in the machine of his consciousness. At times he could perhaps confuse them, all the while he quotes the greats: Rumi, Nietzsche, Bolt.
It be would be especially good if Kochie's ravings became more lunatic as the week progressed - before he finally levitates at the end of Friday morning's show and self combusts into an explosion of gold coins and cheap paperback joke books.
Kochie would of course return each Monday and the cycle would begin anew.
I regard this as the best and most competitive way of re-branding Sunrise as a kind of infotainment cross between It Aint Half Hot Mum and The Monkee's movie Head. Which is what breakfast TV news has been crying out for, for like ages man!
In this way, and only this way, can a weary Sunrise compete with former producer Adam Boland’s new morning program being mooted on Channel Ten.
I'm here and ready to take Sunrise to the next stage of its evolution and compete like never before – and of course available to work as the show’s Producer and indeed a Svengali. In doing so I am confident I will be acclaimed as both a 'new boy wonder' and 'the Adam Boland of Acid News Now'. Channel 7, I await your call.
- Mark Mordue