Ladies and Gentleman, I
have read with increasing alarm of the demise of Melissa Doyle at Channel 7’s
morning breakfast show, Sunrise. And
of concerns how the “Sunrise family” will take to such Game of Thrones type savagery.
It is my belief the
savagery should increase - and that those involved should resolve the
controversy one morning as soon as possible with an all-in knife fight.
This should take place in a
pit where both on-air staff and back-room executives spill blood beneath a
large photo of Marlon Brando as The
Godfather, with a Channel 7 badge pinned to his lapel in the subtle name of
corporate branding.
With everyone either dead
or dying after the knife fight in said pit, I’d like to then see Kochie seated
on a platform above the action. He would need to be wearing a gold turban with
his yearly wage of some $700,000 or more inscribed upon it. The wage might be
best presented in a digital format with equivalents in Yen, Deutschemark, the
English Pound and the Estonian Kroon.
There on the platform, lounging
among brocaded pillows, with his wage flashing in a variety of currencies
across his scone, Kochie could then be left to pontificate in an increasingly
hallucinogenic and endlessly philosophical way on various incoming news events
as he smokes a hookah.
Images of Melissa Doyle and
Samantha Armytage could flash by in a reasonless manner, ghosts in the machine
of his consciousness. At times he could perhaps confuse them, all the while he
quotes the greats: Rumi, Nietzsche, Bolt.
It be would be especially good
if Kochie's ravings became more lunatic as the week progressed - before he
finally levitates at the end of Friday morning's show and self combusts into an
explosion of gold coins and cheap paperback joke books.
Kochie would of course
return each Monday and the cycle would begin anew.
I regard this as the best
and most competitive way of re-branding Sunrise
as a kind of infotainment cross between It
Aint Half Hot Mum and The Monkee's movie Head. Which is what breakfast TV news has been crying out for, for
like ages man!
In this way, and only this
way, can a weary Sunrise compete with
former producer Adam Boland’s new morning program being mooted on Channel Ten.
I'm here and ready to take Sunrise to the next stage of its
evolution and compete like never before – and of course available to work as
the show’s Producer and indeed a Svengali. In doing so I am confident I will be
acclaimed as both a 'new boy wonder' and 'the Adam Boland of Acid News Now'.
Channel 7, I await your call.
- Mark Mordue
No comments:
Post a Comment